Return To Kai Temple

The Godfather

2010-06-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's a sandbox game with PS2 graphics and repetitive missions but it's already vastly better than GTA4. Go figure.

It's keeping me mildly diverted anyway. Certainly more interesting than seeing Rooney and the rest capitulate.

I was a little wrong.

2010-05-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

I said Splinter Cell Conviction was a bit gash. Well, it is but the Deniable Ops mode, in co-op with the right partner - Peoww's own Colin - is the most fun I've had out of a full retail game this (horrible for gaming) year.

Well maybe that and Skate 3 co-op with Lurk.

Tenchu

2010-05-21T14:48:00.001-07:00

Fucking.

Maxed.

That can fuck off.

Games that never fucking end #1

2010-05-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

Lord Goda expect much of me.

It takes twenty-five hours, roughly, to beat all fifty levels of Tenchu Z at the ineligantly titled Ninja 5 rating. For some reason, From Software decided that it'd be a good idea to make achievements for doing this on Easy, Normal and Hard and then make those achievements non-stacking.

Now given that Hard doesn't seem any different to Normal, this seems like the work of cunts. I've done all fifty levels on Normal and thirty-five on Hard and my pain has only just started.

Fucking Tenchu.

Things I like right now.

2010-05-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

MotorHEAT. Did I mention that? Best game on XNA and probably better than everything on XBLA as well. Well, almost.

Multiplayer Stranglehold with Adam and Gareth from PEOWW. The game's shit but they are quintessential chaps. Party chat is a lot better now that we're free of shouty cunts.

The Bell brothers. Danny and Deano. Barking mad indie-heads who love a bit of everything. They've done a video for Machinima. I don't know what that means but I'll link it up when it happens. Also see Dan's blog (Don't Drink and Bake). It's in my links bit ------>.

Gaming Lives. Decent site formed from the ashes of Ready Up. Okay, Ready Up isn't actually in ashes, it's still going but Gaming Lives features their best ex-writer and me. Which is good. My shit = HERE - check it out for maximum futileness.

And as ever, everyone on PEOWW. As far as sites go, we fit all the other ones with ortho shoes.

Kai Review: After Burner Climax

2010-05-01T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sega's reinvention of one of their least enjoyable 'classics' lacks the charm and playability of Out Run 2 but isn't too bad either. It's a little bit prone to invisible missile syndrome and it's a shortlived experience but it's not a bad arcade game. That said, Rez does everything this game does but better and for the same price.

"Bandits at six o'clock! Oh that's good then, we've still got four hours. Etc. Etc."

Kai Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

2010-05-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

Sam Fisher returns voiced by an ageing Michael Ironside who still seems more spritely than the gameplay. Five games in and nothing much has changed except for now you can tag and automatically shoot people. Oh, something else has changed. Splinter Cell used to be good.

"It'd be a lot easier to infiltrate the mansion if you didn't project my intentions all over this wall."

Kai Review: Dead To Rights Retribution

2010-05-01T06:20:00.001-07:00

Wholly blaverage third-person action game with the emphasis on brutal combat and clumsy gunplay. The story echoes the worst kind of sub-Lethal Weapon dogshit and the game goes from ordinary to irrating as you plod through the same snippet of gameplay, copied and pasted over ten+ hours. One for the silly Gears cunts who are happy with a bit of gore and fuck all else.

"Dead To Shites: Excretion."

MotorHEAT and why you need to bum it senseless.

2010-04-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

This didn't make the cut at PEOWW as we're not ready to open up to the madness of XNA.

MotorHEAT (Xbox Live Indie - 240M$P)

Yes, it's an Indie game and yes, it's 240M$P which is three times what I'd normally pay for anything without achievements in it but, now that we've got the negatives out of the way, let's discuss the sheer brilliance of MotorHEAT, the latest offering from Spanish indie-scenesters, Milkstone. As with most Indie games, the premise here is very simple. You need to drive from point A to as far as your skills can take you along an endless track packed full of other drivers. This isn’t a racing game though but rather an old-school avoid-‘em-up with a huge emphasis on risk vs reward gameplay.

MotorHEAT’s simple premise is matched by an equally simple front-end which offers entry into the game’s single gameplay mode, a few options, car customisation (just a colours and pre-set patterns) and a look at the online leaderboards. I’d advise picking bright colours for you motor as this game does have a day/night cycle and when you’re driving at night you’ll need all the help you can get. Especially when your eyes begin to melt.

Oh don't look back. Don't look behind you. Reckless driving on the dirty back road.

Once into the game things start to get good. The graphics are reasonable – it is 3D rather than the expected top-down indie shite you normally get – but everything moves at staggeringly fast speeds. The mix of pace and detail echoes the early Burnout games but after a while you’ll stop seeing details and will be zeroing in on the first sight of traffic. Sound on the other hand is the usual extreme sports, generic riffery that tends to plague both Indie and XBLA titles. It’s harmless enough but you’ll probably enjoy the game more if you get your own custom soundtracks happening.

The gameplay is simplicity itself. As you speed along the road, your only tasks are to avoid oncoming traffic while trying to snag the odd power-up. The road careers left and right over hills but you don’t need to worry about steering – you’ll follow the road automatically - you just concentrate on changing lanes and applying turbo boost. This is effectively a race against time so you’ll want to boost wherever possible while making sure to not go all Marc Bolan, which is a definite possibility given that the game has no brake button.

The game ends when you run out of time. You start with a minute on the clock and gain thirty seconds every time you reach a checkpoint. You’ll need to boost a fair bit if you want to break even though and crashing will cost you ten seconds. It’ll also knock out your multiplier which counts up as you go along. A healthy multiplier is obviously the key to getting highscores but you need to balance protecting it with making it to the next checkpoint. Risk vs reward is the cornerstone of this whole game.

In a street machine of ste-el!

To help you out, there are power-ups on the road that offer various helping hands. Yellow ones add half a million points to your total, blue ones add ten seconds (effectively cancelling out your next crash), greens max out your boost meter, purple temporarily increases your multiplier and red makes you invulnerable for a short time). You may occasionally mistake a car for a power-up or vice-versa but it'll be your fault and you'll kick yourself for it.

You see, that's the great thing about MotorHEAT. It's always your fault. However, if you can hold your shit together long enough, maybe you'll start troubling the upper reaches of the leaderboards. Unlike many XBLIG titles, this does have full online leaderboard support and currently four of us at PEOWW are vying it out to be top dog on our own friends leaderboard. To make things even more competitive, you can see your global ranking increase in realtime. It'll even tell you how many points away from the next one you are. That said, looking at the HUD for even a split-second invariably equals the Princess Diana Experience.

I can't fellate this game enough so don't consider this an official review. I'm going completely fanboy over this addictive bastard of a game but it is exciting, compulsive and fun which is more than I can say for most games twenty times the price of it. Get on it and start posting scores. It's the law.

Recently played list-o-stuffs.

2010-04-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

Just Cause 2. A great game engine looking for a game. Fun for an hour but after that you've seen everything and are cursed to repeat it for 25 hours (to finish the story) and 60 (to max it out if you can be cunted with such things).

Geometry Wars 2. Back on the playlist thanks to a recent bit of interest after the Microsoft deal of the week. Finally got round to putting some time into Sequence. It's fiendish but gloriously good fun. Best game on XBLA.

Fable 2. Late to this party, eh? Am at least ten hours in (maybe twenty - time flies when blardyblahblah). Great RPG elements without the fucking statistical HELL that goes with the genre. Combat's good, story is genuinely interesting and the voice acting is superb. One of the funniest games I've played.

Final Fight/Magic Sword. Two MAME roms with better music and solid online co-op. 800M$P may seem cheap, I reckon it's a tad pricey but it's Final Fight and that's good enough for me. More double-packs please, Capcom.

Check out the PEOWW review and then the comments and then the click-thru link to Lifestyle Gamer's hilarious 'I'm not a fanboy but here's something fanboyish written by a fanboy' article. Or actually don't as it's proper shit. As ever, I quote the big man Ashens "only an idiot gets attached to his purchases".

Tomorrow: do I bother with Splinter Cell seeing as how the last two games were shit and this has a stupid name (ConViction)?

Kai Temple's game of 2009.

2010-03-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

It was looking like AssCreed2 which for the majority of the year was the only game that combined half-decent production values with a story that wasn't penned by a complete fucking imbecile but in the end The Saboteur wins out for doing everything AssCreed2 does but with guns, nazis and some breathtaking missions. Everything about it works so nicely and while it does throw in far too many freeplay targets, it also has enough about it to stop you getting bored.

A fitting end to the dev team that brought us Mercenaries.

Someone's in for a nazi surprise (sorry).

Kai Review: Darksiders

2010-03-12T14:27:00.000-08:00

Initally exciting beat-em-up that throws in a succession of great curveballs with gameplay elements appearing all the time. That is until it settles down into a Zelda-esque hell of switch puzzles that make you dread the next room you walk into incase it's going to be another thirty minutes of fucking about with boxes or something. A wasted opportunity.

"The prophecies speak of a succession of horrible fucking water puzzles."

Kai Review: Army of Two 2

2010-03-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

A spectacularly poor attempt to improve on the flawed-but-enjoyable first game. No variation in levels, no memorable set-pieces just a shitload of awful dialogue, confusing graphics, tired gameplay and the kind of hit-detection I've not seen since Kane and Lynch. Genuinely.

Salem and Rios inevitably being cocks.

Kai Review: Chime

2010-03-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

Tetris meets Lumines in the music-based puzzler. The gameplay is as addictive as butterscotch-flavoured crack and the superb soundtrack and cheap price tag (400M$P) are extremely welcome as well. Prepare to lose days to this charming-yet-devious game.

Philip Glass. Not exactly EA Trax material.

Kai Review: Aliens vs. Predator

2010-03-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

Dated rehash of the original PC game but taking its plot ideas straight from the risible movies while leaving everything else as it was in 1999 but much, much versh (it's not a typo). The three campaigns are short, repetitive and rubbish and the multiplayer has a spawn system that you won't have seen since the likes of UT and Quake 3. Its structural imperfections are matched only by it's dismality.

Yeah... don't get too excited..

Music is dead. Sorry.

2009-07-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

Fuck my Christ. I've spent the best part of the last 25 years utterly hating the fucking concept of Simply Red. I still do, of course, that'll never change and I'll literally cheat death if necessary just so that I can dance on Mick Hucknall's grave, but something bad has happened. Someone has come along and created music worse than Manchester's premier suppliers of melodic, pop/soul cuntitude. Worse than Blue. Worse than The fucking Lighthouse Family. Worse than M-People, D-ream and Puff Daddy. Worse than cancer of the puppy. Worse than replacing your eyes with hot bees. Worse than John Terry's stupid fucking face.

In cultural terms, we are the Elizabeths to his Josef.

They're called BrokenCYDE. I won't waste more than one word describing their name: cunts. I will however now go into what can only turn out to be a breakdown (emotional not descriptive) regarding what they've done. I just hope that by the end of it, this article doesn't break this blog's size limit.

So, BrokenCYDE. What are they? What THE FUCK are they? Well, let's take a look at them.

(Left-Right) Bloke from IT Crowd, Posh Spice, Downs Child, Bald in five years.

You know how Wayne Rooney's wife likes to wear the top fashion labels but unfortunately all at the same time? That's what BrokenCYDE are like. They've got the emo hair, the punky tattoos, the attitude posing, the 'don't be gay, Sparky' neck scarves and a mixture of colours last seen in a level of Manic Miner. Kind of early Take That meets Busted. Lost Prophets meets Patrick Wolf.

If their image is fucking horror in pixelated form, the music is, in a word, upsetting. It upsets on every level and is every bit as confused, and yet contrived, as their satorial ineptitude. The sound (checks Wiki) is described as Hip-Hop/Screamo/Crunk. Yep, me neither.

Crunk, it seems, is a mixture of stripped down beats and hip-hop that acts as nothing more than frat-boy party music. In BrokenCYDE's case, this equates to weak electro breaks, non-descript synths and - get ready to shudder - vocals absolutely dripping in vocoder (the pitchshifting effect used by Cher on 'I Believe in Life After Love' and most Victoria Beckham solo singles).

BrokenCYDE's vocalist 'Se7en'. Part GAP advert/part offender's register/all cunt.

At this point you might be thinking 'just another bunch of pop puppets, why get your panties in such a bunch?'

Well, that's the thing. Unlike Busted's brand of dreary, ultra-safe pop-punk or Westlife's mother's day present ballads, BrokenCYDE aren't marketed at kids particularly. They aren't even signed to a major label (indeed they are signed to the hip-hop label Broken Noize who feature, among others, most of Cypress Hill and House of Pain's members) either. This is what, from what I can tell, passes as alternative music for today's kids and, to make things worse, nestled in with the pop bullshit are screamy vocals (a combination more jarring than a jar filled with jars being transported in a Cockney's car).

Now that'll be the 'screamo' part of their wiki description. Time for a history lesson. In the late '70s we had punk, in the early '80s the Americans stole it, added more violence and shouting, and called it hardcore. Then in the mid-'80s a more progressive and intelligent form of punk came along called Post-Hardcore. This splintered into a genre called 'Emo' or 'Emotional Hardcore'. It was characterised by heartfelt lyrics, intelligent and off-kilter music and often shouty vocals and, believe it or not, it was good.

Rites of Spring being intense and good.

Now, like all good things, that got noticed by the major labels, corrupted, distilled, defanged and ultimately destroyed which led to bands like Funeral For A Friend (whiney, floppy-fringed cunts who look and sound like every other fucking Emo band), Lost Prophets (desperately trying to be American floppy-fringed cunts who only stop sounding like every other band when they add turntables in order to commercialise their sound even more), Fightstar (cunt from Busted's attempt at being something other than a bitch) and all that American shit like My Chemical Romance (if Bam Margera was a band), Jimmy Eats World (Jimmy sucks arse) and Panic At The Disco (panic every time they come on the radio more like).

BrokenCYDE have taken it even further and stripped out the emotion, the punk ethics, the guitars and the political lyrics. They've just kept the floppy-fringed cunt screaming in a corner whilst the fake suntanned cunts who make up the rest of his band of fuckbuckets rap about having sex and drinking.

A fan as spotted on www.fairiesvampires.com - Cut. Long and deep, Love.

Perhaps the saddest thing about this is that the cycle has now been broken. Kids in the '50s listened to Elvis. Their parents, raised on classical and jazz standards, lost their minds. In the '70s there was punk, a reaction to the overblown pomposity of the prog and glam rock genres. The '80s saw hardcore punk, thrash metal and ultimately death metal and the '90s saw Nirvana bring grunge rock to the mainstream whilst industrial and goth music from the likes of Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails became heavily playlisted by music radio and TV whilst the Norwegians went mental with 'black metal' and started murdering each other.

Now the kids are only shocking the last generation by listening to lame dogshit like BrokenCYDE who, sure, say 'fuck' more often than Cher might but are still pedaling a varition on the same theme. If I had kids and they brought this home, I'd be well within my rights to feed them a Napalm Death CD WHOLE and tell them they are getting it wrong. Tell them that they're supposed to be pushing things forward and not conforming to this empty, souless music otherwise they might as well start listening to Motley Crue for all that this band are worth.

LYRICS

Freaxx by BrokenCYDE

I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now. [SEXY NOW!]
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out. [MAKING OUT!]
They pull their panties down,[DOWN!] they take their pants off.[OFF! ]
And then we started getting freaky (on the dance floor.)

Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love. [NEED SOME LOVE!]
I got some bottles in the caddy, we can open up.[OPEN UP!]
Let's get drunk tonight,[TONIGHT!] baby we don't have to fuck
[ TO FUCK!]
And bring your friend along, (maybe we can have some fun.)

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.

Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit make you feel the toxic.
Versace, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me again.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

[LIAR!] [[LIAR!]]

Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flames.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
Come and get me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO!]
Come and get me.
You don´t want me.
Come and get me
You don´t want me
Come and get me

[YEAH!!]

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

Lads, you're bellends.

Sacred 2 review-me-do

2009-07-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't review this for PEOWW so here's my thoughts.

God damn you, GTA. Ever since that game came out, game worlds just seem to be getting bigger and bigger. I grew up thinking that the mansion in Jet Set Willy (roughly 80 screens) was huge. These days I could actually live inside the likes of Fuel or Mercenaries 2 and the twenty or so extra hours I spent getting the 'Find All Locations' achievement on Two Worlds (and that's after I completed the entire game) indicated that things weren't going to get any more compact in the near future.

So, Sacred 2 is here (did any of you play Sacred 1? Me neither) and, as expected, it's a monster. On the plus side, it's a beautiful and interesting game world with tons of nice details and lots to do and see. On the less tasty side, the camera angle (a Diablo-esque top down view) means you'll only ever see a few metres of it at any one time. That's right, this is old school RPG action. A dungeon crawler in every sense except that for most of the game you're not actually in one.

Let's not worry too much about the plot except to say that your traditional fantasy elements are still there but with a nice futuristic edge that, in practical terms, means that you'll be mixing up your swords, bows and shields with laser weapons. For the most part though, RPG players will be treading very familiar ground here.

As ever, you can't just jump right in. Sacred 2 demands that you make choices right away regarding your character class (there are six to choose from) and your chosen deity (which will grant you a god-given super power that you can use in times of difficulty). After a little soul-searching you'll make your choices and will get into the main meat of the game.

There is, of course, a main quest to follow but there are also hundreds of side quests. Anyone looking to get a sweet 1000GS out of this game needs to know that you'll have to complete at least 40% of those quests. I've been playing (checks watch) for f'ing EVER and I'm just over 20% in. Argh! The quests are your usual mix of killing, escorting and searching and are punctuated with some decent storytelling and lots of genuinely funny humour. Indeed, it's worth reading all the gravestones in the game (and yes, there's an achievement in that too) as some of them are hilarious.

Combat seems at simple enough at first (you basically run around getting into fights every few seconds) but Sacred 2 soon reveals a staggering depth to inventory management. Aside from your main equipment (weapons and armour) there are also plenty of other things to consider. Your attributes (strength, dexterity etc), Combat Arts (spells), runes (for learning and powering up Combat Arts), potions, alchemy items and bonus adding rings/amulets all have a huge effect on the way your character plays. Every choice you'll make will have consequences and it'll all seem pretty overwhelming. In the end, I just looked for a spell that looked good and have ploughed all my resources into making it reasonably badass because I just can't be arsed worrying about it all anymore.

That's Sacred 2's problem. It's an enjoyable and addictive game but there's just too much of it. Too many things to consider, too much text to read, too many quests and the map is big enough to suffocate a horse with it. The achievement for revealing 50% of the game world is already looking like a chore. The thing is, I'm still playing it. Still enjoying it. After Oblivion and Two Worlds (shut up, it's good) I needed another good RPG on the 360 and this delivers. It's not perfect, not by a long shot, but Diablo/Dungeon Siege players will get a lot of value from it (especially as it's a shoe-in for a quick price drop) and once it gets its hooks in you, that's that.

Avoid the Limited Edition (it's gash and the figurine belongs in a f'ing Kinder Egg) but pick up the game if you fancy losing a lot of time to a loot-loaded adventure. It's a nice change of pace from all the shooting/fighting/driving games on the system and the slow-but-steady trickle of achievements should keep you interested. It'll be a very impressive 1000 on your Gamercard as well.

7/10

Fight Night 4 is shit.

2009-07-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

In lieu of a proper review, here's what you need to know...

the knockouts look all wrong compared to FNR3. the sweat is unconvincing, the movement of the player being dropped is even worse.

prefered the focusing system when getting up from a knockout, this new thing is gash.

the cut damage is non-existent.

the online XXL etc achvs are like the GRAW leaderboard ones and the current champs are asking for 4000M$P to fight people who aren't their friends.

the parrying system is gone.

the haymakers are mapped to RB.

you can punch someone with a right hook consecutively and not knock them out and then feebly graze them and they crumble.

minigames are RUBBISH.

the trainer corner system, whilst better than FNR3, involves too much faffing in menus.

booking a fight is needlessly convoluted.

I've rinsed it for 750+ GS and this fucker is now on eBay.

Stupidly numbered achievements.

2009-05-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

ARGH!

LUXOR 2

12 Gates of Luxor Temple (14) Match 12 or more spheres with a single shot.
5 Days of Thoth (15) Put together 5 chain reactions.
Challenge of Horus (19) Complete the Challenge of Horus.
Glory of Osiris (18) Achieve a perfect rating on all bonus rounds.
Golden Ankh Coin (16) Collect 15 or more coins in a single level.
Horns of Hathor (17) Complete Adventure Mode on the Normal difficulty.
Life! Health! Prosperity! (15) Complete a level without losing a life.
Magic of Isis (19) Complete Adventure Mode on the Expert difficulty level.
Pharaoh's Treasury (16) Collect 100 pieces of gems and jewelry.
Royal Sharpshooter (16) Complete a level with 100% accuracy.

Football Manager 06

Sign a Player (1) Sign a player.
Win a Match (2) Win a competitive match.
5 Xbox Live Games (6) Play 5 cups or tournaments on Xbox Live.
Clean Sheet (3) Play a match without conceding a goal.
First Xbox Live Game (3) Play your first cup or tournament on Xbox Live.

Daft fuckers.

State of the PEOWW

2009-04-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

We've had a week off but I'm doing some bits and pieces for this weekend.

First up, we've added a Twitter thing. This can be accessed by any of the main writers for the site. I'm still a little unsure if Twitter has any use at all, so that's why I'm leaving up to others to make it good. Our good friend Mafro seems to know how to use it.

I'm writing and researching a piece about emulation on the PSP. The homebrew scene for that thing is still very active and cacks on the DSHB scene. So far the Megadrive and Arcade emulators seem to be the best ones.

Also looking to finish up a piece about the easiest 1000s out there for my regular(ish) Achievement Whore series. I've done most of the factual stuff but it needs padding out to make it even slightly entertaining to read.

I've got fucking Modest Mouse stuck in my head. Fucking Rock Band 2.

Some shit I've played recently.

2009-04-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

Poor old Return To Kai Temple. I've not been giving this blog much love recently so here's a quick update. I've recently played some decent stuff, some gash stuff and some whorey stuff. Here's the highlights...

Saint's Row 2 - I hate GTA games. All of them apart from the first one. The first one was good because it was truly sandbox. You just had to hit a score target, but how you did that was up to you. None of this story shite.

Well, colour me sexually confused. Saint's Row 2 is amazing. There is loads to see, loads to do, lots of customisation, a decent story, some moments of comedy. It's the best example of the genre in years. Even the 'gangsta' stylings don't really annoy me but maybe that's because I based my character on the Duke from Escape From New York. Am surprised at how fantastic this game is in co-op also.

Verdict: excellence.

Resident Evil 5 - not nearly as good as Resi 4 but miles better than any of Resi 4's imitators. Forces too many playthroughs and has some fairly dull levels but I beat the game five times and never really got bored. The game is maxed at 1000GS but the DLC for the extra 200 can go fuck itself.

Verdict: very good

Fallout 3 - Oblivion but set in a landfill site. I want to love it but I can't. It bores me senseless.

Verdict: tramp simulator.

Trivial Pursuit - acquired in a tasty deal with Burnout Ultimate Box. Fairly straightforward conversion of the board game but with an annoying fucking habit of asking you easy questions like 'Pearl Jam were part of a music scene that originated in which US city' and then asking you to pick it from a map without telling you what the four multiple choice options actually are.

Verdict: alright I suppose.

Peggle - addictive but frustrating bastard.

Verdict - worse for you than crack.

WHORE-OH SELECTION

CSI - easy but soul-destroying.
Surf's Up - reasonably fun.
Open Season - really quite shit.
Cars Mater-National - a bit dismal.

Kai Review: Onechanbara

2009-03-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

Dubious hack and slasher that combines all-out action with sketchy perversion. More enjoyable and interesting than you might expect though with a decent fighting system and lashings of comedy gore. Somehow manages to be a lot of fun despite all the backtracking and awful bosses.

Girl in bikini decapitating a zombie.

Kai Review: Sega Mega Drive Ultimate Collection (360)

2009-03-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

A sizeable collection of old Mega Drive games given a barebones treatment with no real graphical upgrades and absolutely no online functionality whatsoever. Overall the games range from great (Comix Zone) to gash (Flicky) although the stars of the show are the coin-ops Shinobi and Alien Syndrome. Plenty of Sonic and Ecco for those who picked the less good option in the biggest 16-bit war (or those of you who want an easy thousand gamerscore).

Some title screens of old Sega shite.

FIFA OCD horror.

2009-02-22T16:14:00.001-08:00

When it comes to gamerscore I'm not overly fussed by the total score. I just want to max out games. However, unrounded gamerscores piss me off. 8pt achievements can get to fuck. So I was rather pissed off when FIFA '09 fucked my score for an impressive four months.

I just posted this on PEOWW. Yes, I know it's very silly.

FUCKING YES!

Since the 11th of fucking October I've had a fucking 9 at the end of my gamerscore because of...

Hence

The fix for this is to play for FIFTY FUCKING HOURS to get ONE FUCKING GAMERSCORE. To make it shitter if you set a match to five min halves, you'll only get ten mins of playtime towards the fifty hours. Even though a ten min match in reality takes at least thirteen mins cos of cutscenes, stoppages and set-up.

So this week I've eschewed actual gaming so I can do this

and now I'm this

Kai Review: Rise of the Argonauts (360)

2009-02-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

Tedious hack and slasher that takes simplistic combat and bogs it down in hours of pointless conversations and cutscenes. In an already oversubscribed genre this has nothing that makes it stand out from the crowd. If you want good combat buy Conan, if you want a better story (and conversation) get Oblivion or Mass Effect. If you want to sleep for fucking ever, buy this.

Jason talking again.