Music is dead. Sorry.

Fuck my Christ. I've spent the best part of the last 25 years utterly hating the fucking concept of Simply Red. I still do, of course, that'll never change and I'll literally cheat death if necessary just so that I can dance on Mick Hucknall's grave, but something bad has happened. Someone has come along and created music worse than Manchester's premier suppliers of melodic, pop/soul cuntitude. Worse than Blue. Worse than The fucking Lighthouse Family. Worse than M-People, D-ream and Puff Daddy. Worse than cancer of the puppy. Worse than replacing your eyes with hot bees. Worse than John Terry's stupid fucking face.

In cultural terms, we are the Elizabeths to his Josef.

They're called BrokenCYDE. I won't waste more than one word describing their name: cunts. I will however now go into what can only turn out to be a breakdown (emotional not descriptive) regarding what they've done. I just hope that by the end of it, this article doesn't break this blog's size limit.

So, BrokenCYDE. What are they? What THE FUCK are they? Well, let's take a look at them.

(Left-Right) Bloke from IT Crowd, Posh Spice, Downs Child, Bald in five years.

You know how Wayne Rooney's wife likes to wear the top fashion labels but unfortunately all at the same time? That's what BrokenCYDE are like. They've got the emo hair, the punky tattoos, the attitude posing, the 'don't be gay, Sparky' neck scarves and a mixture of colours last seen in a level of Manic Miner. Kind of early Take That meets Busted. Lost Prophets meets Patrick Wolf.

If their image is fucking horror in pixelated form, the music is, in a word, upsetting. It upsets on every level and is every bit as confused, and yet contrived, as their satorial ineptitude. The sound (checks Wiki) is described as Hip-Hop/Screamo/Crunk. Yep, me neither.

Crunk, it seems, is a mixture of stripped down beats and hip-hop that acts as nothing more than frat-boy party music. In BrokenCYDE's case, this equates to weak electro breaks, non-descript synths and - get ready to shudder - vocals absolutely dripping in vocoder (the pitchshifting effect used by Cher on 'I Believe in Life After Love' and most Victoria Beckham solo singles).

BrokenCYDE's vocalist 'Se7en'. Part GAP advert/part offender's register/all cunt.

At this point you might be thinking 'just another bunch of pop puppets, why get your panties in such a bunch?'

Well, that's the thing. Unlike Busted's brand of dreary, ultra-safe pop-punk or Westlife's mother's day present ballads, BrokenCYDE aren't marketed at kids particularly. They aren't even signed to a major label (indeed they are signed to the hip-hop label Broken Noize who feature, among others, most of Cypress Hill and House of Pain's members) either. This is what, from what I can tell, passes as alternative music for today's kids and, to make things worse, nestled in with the pop bullshit are screamy vocals (a combination more jarring than a jar filled with jars being transported in a Cockney's car).

Now that'll be the 'screamo' part of their wiki description. Time for a history lesson. In the late '70s we had punk, in the early '80s the Americans stole it, added more violence and shouting, and called it hardcore. Then in the mid-'80s a more progressive and intelligent form of punk came along called Post-Hardcore. This splintered into a genre called 'Emo' or 'Emotional Hardcore'. It was characterised by heartfelt lyrics, intelligent and off-kilter music and often shouty vocals and, believe it or not, it was good.

Rites of Spring being intense and good.

Now, like all good things, that got noticed by the major labels, corrupted, distilled, defanged and ultimately destroyed which led to bands like Funeral For A Friend (whiney, floppy-fringed cunts who look and sound like every other fucking Emo band), Lost Prophets (desperately trying to be American floppy-fringed cunts who only stop sounding like every other band when they add turntables in order to commercialise their sound even more), Fightstar (cunt from Busted's attempt at being something other than a bitch) and all that American shit like My Chemical Romance (if Bam Margera was a band), Jimmy Eats World (Jimmy sucks arse) and Panic At The Disco (panic every time they come on the radio more like).

BrokenCYDE have taken it even further and stripped out the emotion, the punk ethics, the guitars and the political lyrics. They've just kept the floppy-fringed cunt screaming in a corner whilst the fake suntanned cunts who make up the rest of his band of fuckbuckets rap about having sex and drinking.

A fan as spotted on www.fairiesvampires.com - Cut. Long and deep, Love.

Perhaps the saddest thing about this is that the cycle has now been broken. Kids in the '50s listened to Elvis. Their parents, raised on classical and jazz standards, lost their minds. In the '70s there was punk, a reaction to the overblown pomposity of the prog and glam rock genres. The '80s saw hardcore punk, thrash metal and ultimately death metal and the '90s saw Nirvana bring grunge rock to the mainstream whilst industrial and goth music from the likes of Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails became heavily playlisted by music radio and TV whilst the Norwegians went mental with 'black metal' and started murdering each other.

Now the kids are only shocking the last generation by listening to lame dogshit like BrokenCYDE who, sure, say 'fuck' more often than Cher might but are still pedaling a varition on the same theme. If I had kids and they brought this home, I'd be well within my rights to feed them a Napalm Death CD WHOLE and tell them they are getting it wrong. Tell them that they're supposed to be pushing things forward and not conforming to this empty, souless music otherwise they might as well start listening to Motley Crue for all that this band are worth.

LYRICS

Freaxx by BrokenCYDE

I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now. [SEXY NOW!]
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out. [MAKING OUT!]
They pull their panties down,[DOWN!] they take their pants off.[OFF! ]
And then we started getting freaky (on the dance floor.)

Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love. [NEED SOME LOVE!]
I got some bottles in the caddy, we can open up.[OPEN UP!]
Let's get drunk tonight,[TONIGHT!] baby we don't have to fuck
[ TO FUCK!]
And bring your friend along, (maybe we can have some fun.)

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.

Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit make you feel the toxic.
Versace, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me again.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

[LIAR!] [[LIAR!]]

Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flames.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
Come and get me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO!]
Come and get me.
You don´t want me.
Come and get me
You don´t want me
Come and get me

[YEAH!!]


Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

Lads, you're bellends.