Music is dead. Sorry.

Fuck my Christ. I've spent the best part of the last 25 years utterly hating the fucking concept of Simply Red. I still do, of course, that'll never change and I'll literally cheat death if necessary just so that I can dance on Mick Hucknall's grave, but something bad has happened. Someone has come along and created music worse than Manchester's premier suppliers of melodic, pop/soul cuntitude. Worse than Blue. Worse than The fucking Lighthouse Family. Worse than M-People, D-ream and Puff Daddy. Worse than cancer of the puppy. Worse than replacing your eyes with hot bees. Worse than John Terry's stupid fucking face.

In cultural terms, we are the Elizabeths to his Josef.

They're called BrokenCYDE. I won't waste more than one word describing their name: cunts. I will however now go into what can only turn out to be a breakdown (emotional not descriptive) regarding what they've done. I just hope that by the end of it, this article doesn't break this blog's size limit.

So, BrokenCYDE. What are they? What THE FUCK are they? Well, let's take a look at them.

(Left-Right) Bloke from IT Crowd, Posh Spice, Downs Child, Bald in five years.

You know how Wayne Rooney's wife likes to wear the top fashion labels but unfortunately all at the same time? That's what BrokenCYDE are like. They've got the emo hair, the punky tattoos, the attitude posing, the 'don't be gay, Sparky' neck scarves and a mixture of colours last seen in a level of Manic Miner. Kind of early Take That meets Busted. Lost Prophets meets Patrick Wolf.

If their image is fucking horror in pixelated form, the music is, in a word, upsetting. It upsets on every level and is every bit as confused, and yet contrived, as their satorial ineptitude. The sound (checks Wiki) is described as Hip-Hop/Screamo/Crunk. Yep, me neither.

Crunk, it seems, is a mixture of stripped down beats and hip-hop that acts as nothing more than frat-boy party music. In BrokenCYDE's case, this equates to weak electro breaks, non-descript synths and - get ready to shudder - vocals absolutely dripping in vocoder (the pitchshifting effect used by Cher on 'I Believe in Life After Love' and most Victoria Beckham solo singles).

BrokenCYDE's vocalist 'Se7en'. Part GAP advert/part offender's register/all cunt.

At this point you might be thinking 'just another bunch of pop puppets, why get your panties in such a bunch?'

Well, that's the thing. Unlike Busted's brand of dreary, ultra-safe pop-punk or Westlife's mother's day present ballads, BrokenCYDE aren't marketed at kids particularly. They aren't even signed to a major label (indeed they are signed to the hip-hop label Broken Noize who feature, among others, most of Cypress Hill and House of Pain's members) either. This is what, from what I can tell, passes as alternative music for today's kids and, to make things worse, nestled in with the pop bullshit are screamy vocals (a combination more jarring than a jar filled with jars being transported in a Cockney's car).

Now that'll be the 'screamo' part of their wiki description. Time for a history lesson. In the late '70s we had punk, in the early '80s the Americans stole it, added more violence and shouting, and called it hardcore. Then in the mid-'80s a more progressive and intelligent form of punk came along called Post-Hardcore. This splintered into a genre called 'Emo' or 'Emotional Hardcore'. It was characterised by heartfelt lyrics, intelligent and off-kilter music and often shouty vocals and, believe it or not, it was good.

Rites of Spring being intense and good.

Now, like all good things, that got noticed by the major labels, corrupted, distilled, defanged and ultimately destroyed which led to bands like Funeral For A Friend (whiney, floppy-fringed cunts who look and sound like every other fucking Emo band), Lost Prophets (desperately trying to be American floppy-fringed cunts who only stop sounding like every other band when they add turntables in order to commercialise their sound even more), Fightstar (cunt from Busted's attempt at being something other than a bitch) and all that American shit like My Chemical Romance (if Bam Margera was a band), Jimmy Eats World (Jimmy sucks arse) and Panic At The Disco (panic every time they come on the radio more like).

BrokenCYDE have taken it even further and stripped out the emotion, the punk ethics, the guitars and the political lyrics. They've just kept the floppy-fringed cunt screaming in a corner whilst the fake suntanned cunts who make up the rest of his band of fuckbuckets rap about having sex and drinking.

A fan as spotted on www.fairiesvampires.com - Cut. Long and deep, Love.

Perhaps the saddest thing about this is that the cycle has now been broken. Kids in the '50s listened to Elvis. Their parents, raised on classical and jazz standards, lost their minds. In the '70s there was punk, a reaction to the overblown pomposity of the prog and glam rock genres. The '80s saw hardcore punk, thrash metal and ultimately death metal and the '90s saw Nirvana bring grunge rock to the mainstream whilst industrial and goth music from the likes of Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails became heavily playlisted by music radio and TV whilst the Norwegians went mental with 'black metal' and started murdering each other.

Now the kids are only shocking the last generation by listening to lame dogshit like BrokenCYDE who, sure, say 'fuck' more often than Cher might but are still pedaling a varition on the same theme. If I had kids and they brought this home, I'd be well within my rights to feed them a Napalm Death CD WHOLE and tell them they are getting it wrong. Tell them that they're supposed to be pushing things forward and not conforming to this empty, souless music otherwise they might as well start listening to Motley Crue for all that this band are worth.

LYRICS

Freaxx by BrokenCYDE

I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now. [SEXY NOW!]
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out. [MAKING OUT!]
They pull their panties down,[DOWN!] they take their pants off.[OFF! ]
And then we started getting freaky (on the dance floor.)

Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love. [NEED SOME LOVE!]
I got some bottles in the caddy, we can open up.[OPEN UP!]
Let's get drunk tonight,[TONIGHT!] baby we don't have to fuck
[ TO FUCK!]
And bring your friend along, (maybe we can have some fun.)

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.

Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit make you feel the toxic.
Versace, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me again.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

[LIAR!] [[LIAR!]]

Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flames.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
Come and get me.
[So GO baby GO baby.]
You don't want me.
[So GO baby GO!]
Come and get me.
You don´t want me.
Come and get me
You don´t want me
Come and get me

[YEAH!!]


Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [NOW!] x3
Let´s get freaky now, let´s get freaky now

Lads, you're bellends.

Sacred 2 review-me-do

I didn't review this for PEOWW so here's my thoughts.


God damn you, GTA. Ever since that game came out, game worlds just seem to be getting bigger and bigger. I grew up thinking that the mansion in Jet Set Willy (roughly 80 screens) was huge. These days I could actually live inside the likes of Fuel or Mercenaries 2 and the twenty or so extra hours I spent getting the 'Find All Locations' achievement on Two Worlds (and that's after I completed the entire game) indicated that things weren't going to get any more compact in the near future.

So, Sacred 2 is here (did any of you play Sacred 1? Me neither) and, as expected, it's a monster. On the plus side, it's a beautiful and interesting game world with tons of nice details and lots to do and see. On the less tasty side, the camera angle (a Diablo-esque top down view) means you'll only ever see a few metres of it at any one time. That's right, this is old school RPG action. A dungeon crawler in every sense except that for most of the game you're not actually in one.

Let's not worry too much about the plot except to say that your traditional fantasy elements are still there but with a nice futuristic edge that, in practical terms, means that you'll be mixing up your swords, bows and shields with laser weapons. For the most part though, RPG players will be treading very familiar ground here.

As ever, you can't just jump right in. Sacred 2 demands that you make choices right away regarding your character class (there are six to choose from) and your chosen deity (which will grant you a god-given super power that you can use in times of difficulty). After a little soul-searching you'll make your choices and will get into the main meat of the game.

There is, of course, a main quest to follow but there are also hundreds of side quests. Anyone looking to get a sweet 1000GS out of this game needs to know that you'll have to complete at least 40% of those quests. I've been playing (checks watch) for f'ing EVER and I'm just over 20% in. Argh! The quests are your usual mix of killing, escorting and searching and are punctuated with some decent storytelling and lots of genuinely funny humour. Indeed, it's worth reading all the gravestones in the game (and yes, there's an achievement in that too) as some of them are hilarious.

Combat seems at simple enough at first (you basically run around getting into fights every few seconds) but Sacred 2 soon reveals a staggering depth to inventory management. Aside from your main equipment (weapons and armour) there are also plenty of other things to consider. Your attributes (strength, dexterity etc), Combat Arts (spells), runes (for learning and powering up Combat Arts), potions, alchemy items and bonus adding rings/amulets all have a huge effect on the way your character plays. Every choice you'll make will have consequences and it'll all seem pretty overwhelming. In the end, I just looked for a spell that looked good and have ploughed all my resources into making it reasonably badass because I just can't be arsed worrying about it all anymore.

That's Sacred 2's problem. It's an enjoyable and addictive game but there's just too much of it. Too many things to consider, too much text to read, too many quests and the map is big enough to suffocate a horse with it. The achievement for revealing 50% of the game world is already looking like a chore. The thing is, I'm still playing it. Still enjoying it. After Oblivion and Two Worlds (shut up, it's good) I needed another good RPG on the 360 and this delivers. It's not perfect, not by a long shot, but Diablo/Dungeon Siege players will get a lot of value from it (especially as it's a shoe-in for a quick price drop) and once it gets its hooks in you, that's that.

Avoid the Limited Edition (it's gash and the figurine belongs in a f'ing Kinder Egg) but pick up the game if you fancy losing a lot of time to a loot-loaded adventure. It's a nice change of pace from all the shooting/fighting/driving games on the system and the slow-but-steady trickle of achievements should keep you interested. It'll be a very impressive 1000 on your Gamercard as well.

7/10

Fight Night 4 is shit.

In lieu of a proper review, here's what you need to know...

the knockouts look all wrong compared to FNR3. the sweat is unconvincing, the movement of the player being dropped is even worse.

prefered the focusing system when getting up from a knockout, this new thing is gash.

the cut damage is non-existent.

the online XXL etc achvs are like the GRAW leaderboard ones and the current champs are asking for 4000M$P to fight people who aren't their friends.

the parrying system is gone.

the haymakers are mapped to RB.

you can punch someone with a right hook consecutively and not knock them out and then feebly graze them and they crumble.

minigames are RUBBISH.

the trainer corner system, whilst better than FNR3, involves too much faffing in menus.

booking a fight is needlessly convoluted.


I've rinsed it for 750+ GS and this fucker is now on eBay.

Stupidly numbered achievements.

ARGH!

LUXOR 2

12 Gates of Luxor Temple (14) Match 12 or more spheres with a single shot.
5 Days of Thoth (15) Put together 5 chain reactions.
Challenge of Horus (19) Complete the Challenge of Horus.
Glory of Osiris (18) Achieve a perfect rating on all bonus rounds.
Golden Ankh Coin (16) Collect 15 or more coins in a single level.
Horns of Hathor (17) Complete Adventure Mode on the Normal difficulty.
Life! Health! Prosperity! (15) Complete a level without losing a life.
Magic of Isis (19) Complete Adventure Mode on the Expert difficulty level.
Pharaoh's Treasury (16) Collect 100 pieces of gems and jewelry.
Royal Sharpshooter (16) Complete a level with 100% accuracy.


Football Manager 06

Sign a Player (1) Sign a player.
Win a Match (2) Win a competitive match.
5 Xbox Live Games (6) Play 5 cups or tournaments on Xbox Live.
Clean Sheet (3) Play a match without conceding a goal.
First Xbox Live Game (3) Play your first cup or tournament on Xbox Live.


Daft fuckers.

State of the PEOWW

We've had a week off but I'm doing some bits and pieces for this weekend.

First up, we've added a Twitter thing. This can be accessed by any of the main writers for the site. I'm still a little unsure if Twitter has any use at all, so that's why I'm leaving up to others to make it good. Our good friend Mafro seems to know how to use it.

I'm writing and researching a piece about emulation on the PSP. The homebrew scene for that thing is still very active and cacks on the DSHB scene. So far the Megadrive and Arcade emulators seem to be the best ones.

Also looking to finish up a piece about the easiest 1000s out there for my regular(ish) Achievement Whore series. I've done most of the factual stuff but it needs padding out to make it even slightly entertaining to read.

I've got fucking Modest Mouse stuck in my head. Fucking Rock Band 2.

Some shit I've played recently.

Poor old Return To Kai Temple. I've not been giving this blog much love recently so here's a quick update. I've recently played some decent stuff, some gash stuff and some whorey stuff. Here's the highlights...


Saint's Row 2 - I hate GTA games. All of them apart from the first one. The first one was good because it was truly sandbox. You just had to hit a score target, but how you did that was up to you. None of this story shite.

Well, colour me sexually confused. Saint's Row 2 is amazing. There is loads to see, loads to do, lots of customisation, a decent story, some moments of comedy. It's the best example of the genre in years. Even the 'gangsta' stylings don't really annoy me but maybe that's because I based my character on the Duke from Escape From New York. Am surprised at how fantastic this game is in co-op also.

Verdict: excellence.


Resident Evil 5 - not nearly as good as Resi 4 but miles better than any of Resi 4's imitators. Forces too many playthroughs and has some fairly dull levels but I beat the game five times and never really got bored. The game is maxed at 1000GS but the DLC for the extra 200 can go fuck itself.

Verdict: very good


Fallout 3 - Oblivion but set in a landfill site. I want to love it but I can't. It bores me senseless.

Verdict: tramp simulator.


Trivial Pursuit - acquired in a tasty deal with Burnout Ultimate Box. Fairly straightforward conversion of the board game but with an annoying fucking habit of asking you easy questions like 'Pearl Jam were part of a music scene that originated in which US city' and then asking you to pick it from a map without telling you what the four multiple choice options actually are.

Verdict: alright I suppose.


Peggle - addictive but frustrating bastard.

Verdict - worse for you than crack.



WHORE-OH SELECTION

CSI - easy but soul-destroying.
Surf's Up - reasonably fun.
Open Season - really quite shit.
Cars Mater-National - a bit dismal.

Kai Review: Onechanbara

Dubious hack and slasher that combines all-out action with sketchy perversion. More enjoyable and interesting than you might expect though with a decent fighting system and lashings of comedy gore. Somehow manages to be a lot of fun despite all the backtracking and awful bosses.

Girl in bikini decapitating a zombie.